Mummies are so cool. Think about it, they have been the subject of hundreds movies, a go-to Halloween costume for all of time, but they are also scientific evidence of amazing societies and cultures that far predate our own. And let’s be honest, no one has better mummies than Egypt. Why? Because their mummies are stoned. That’s right, traces of cannabis has been found in numerous Egyptian mummies, including Ramesses II.
Ancient Egyptian culture embraced marijuana as a whole for all of its medicinal benefits. As early as 2000 BC, cannabis was used in Egypt to reduce fever, induce uterine contraction, to relieve the pain of a sore toenail and to irrigate the rectum. Irrigate the rectum? Are they trying to tell me that ancient Egyptians put weed in their butts? Please, tell me more.
Sometimes my job is super fun and I get to see hot naked chicks and write about fucking. Sometimes I have to do far too much research on things people put in their asses. Today is one of those less cool days. Apparently cannabis enemas still exist, thanks to ancient Egypt. Egyptians would shove THC rich oil up their butts in order to ease pain due to inflammation, loss of appetite, and because who doesn’t want to get high through their ass at least once in their life.
What Else Did They Use It For?
Other than anal highs (and lows, let’s be honest), Egyptians used cannabis for multiple medical reasons. The first complete medicinal journal to recognize Dr. Mary Jane’s medicinal benefits was the Egyptian script The Ebers Papyrus. Included in The Ebers Papyrus is a remedy for a hangnail that included a combination of honey and weed. At first I thought this was ridiculous to include in a medical journal, albeit the first complete one in history, until I realized this was written in a time where your pinky toe could literally get infected and kill you.
Egyptian women, like many women of other cultures I have researched and wrote about, used cannabis as a medication to relieve sorrow and “bad humour.” Things that are just perfect about this: A. It was for women only; B. These symptoms are easy to fake (and I feel like if these ancient stoned girls were anything like the stoned girls I see every day, they were); C. Even 1500 years before the supposed birth of Jesus, society was able to recognize the benefits of being stoned. Hats off to you, ancient stoned girls!
For those of you still looking for a last minute Halloween costume, break out your old Cleopatra outfit, stick a pot leaf on your head, and call your self Seshat. Seshat is the Egyptian goddess of wisdom and writing, and a marijuana leaf is proudly emblazoned on her head piece. Take it from this professional writer who pays her bills by writing important and thought provoking things, (like sticking weed in your butt) marijuana aids in the written creative process. In fact, her head piece is so fancy that the marijuana leaf actually protrudes above it. It looks like a cartoon lightbulb that appears above someone’s head when they get a really good idea. I can’t help but feel like everyone in the office should now refer to me as Seshat for AT LEAST the rest of the week.
As previously mentioned, traces of cannabis was found in Ramesses II, who was being treated for glaucoma, and he got to penetrate Nefertari. What a boss.