Cannabis News: Bitch! Are You High?
I’m not going to lie when I say that writing “Bitch, Are You High?” is pretty much one of my most favorite parts of the week. Most of the time I don’t even have to go searching for ridiculousness, it just comes to me, which is exactly what happened this week. As I was perusing hilarious buzzfeed articles (research), I stumbled across some interesting news about someone I held near and dear to my heart during my formative and awkward early teen years: Avril Lavigne. Her brightly colored hair and angst ridden lyrics got me through braces, messy bedrooms, and the heartbreak of this super cute guy named Matt.
Obviously, the thirteen year old in me (that’s awkward) was thrilled to see that she was still on the music scene. I wasn’t aware that the former Mrs. Deryck Whibley was still making music, but I was happy to hear that maybe some awkward teenager out there was finding comfort knowing that Avril also likes Sk8-er Bois. Anyway, I clicked on the article which was about Lavigne’s meet and greets with her fans. “Oh, how GREAT!” I thought when I heard that she was willing to meet her adoring fans in person. “That must mean so much to these young girls!”
How Wrong I Was
The article had a few pictures of Avril and her fans, and I noticed that her fans were posing very awkwardly next to her. It looked like they should be hugging, or at least have their arms around each other, but they didn’t and it felt uncomfortable to look at. “Maybe they were just nervous,” I rationalized as I scrolled down to get to the text of the piece. That’s when I found out the most startling news I’ve heard since the conception of Blue Ivy.
You Paid What?
Avril Lavigne charges her fans $400 to be brought backstage to meet her. Ok, Avril, you realize that your fans are teenagers who have to work three weeks at Forever 21 to come up with the money to just buy the tickets to your concert, right? How are they supposed to pay $400?!? Drop out of high school and work their way up to assistant manager? That’s cray.
Apparently their hard earned $400 will get these “little black stars” (dumb) a quick hello, a picture to commemorate the worst, most expensive decision these pre-teens have made in their young lives, and then a quick exit out the back. That’s not even the worst part, though.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH HER! Well, that explains all of the uncomfortable photos. Ummm, I don’t speak from experience or anything (I do), but I know a lot of women that will go Around-The-World for that kind of money. What kind of a rude bitch are you that you are taking the hard earned money from these kids and you won’t even put an obligatory arm around them. Furthermore, if you look at the photos, she’s not even trying to pretend she is excited to meet these people. She barely manages a smile as she does the “sorority girl crouch” pose where it looks like gravity is working extra hard next to these people who absolutely adore her.
For someone that not only hasn’t been relevant for at least the past ten years, but is also married to Chad Fucking Kroeger, $400 for a prison-style meet and greet has got everyone in the Stoned Girls office asking “Bitch, Are You High?” You and your gross-haired husband go back to Canada and continue to be obscure, because quite frankly I am disappointed in you.
Our Favorite Celebrity Stoned Girl
After I got done crying under my desk where I did NOT listen to “Complicated” on repeat, I composed myself and did some more “research” about these celebrity meet and greets. Thank god Rhianna was there to save the day. We already knew how amazing she is, there is no questioning that. I checked out some of her meet and greet photos and basically she will feel you up given the opportunity. She looked genuinely like she was having so much fun meeting her fans and goofing around with them. There are photos of her kissing, grabbing, and even pretend dry humping these people, and it is heartwarming. Thank you, Rhianna for not only being the best Stoned Girl out there, but also restoring our faith in humanity, as well as the rich and famous.