Bitch, Are You High? Paris Thinks She’s A DJ

Bitch_paris

An overwhelming amount of people have told us that “Bitch, Are You High?” is their favorite article from Stoned Girls, and I am inclined to agree with them.  Nothing makes me happier than ripping apart the rich and famous, and this week’s article may be my best one yet.

Paris Hilton, who is no longer relevant to society, thinks she’s a DJ.  AND, on a side note, why the fuck are all of these celebrities from my childhood desperately clinging onto the hope that they are still popular.  Paris Hilton, you have more money than God and you got your 15 minutes of fame, why are you trying to ruin music for everyone?  UGH.  And does anyone remember that horrible song she put out roughly 10-12 years back? (I would be more exact, but I just really don’t care about her enough to Google it.)  Anyway, here she is rupturing our eardrums all over again, and it’s got me saying, “Bitch, are you high?!?”

What She Thinks

So, not only does Paris Hilton think she’s a DJ, she thinks she’s one of the top 5 DJs in the entire world.  To be fair, she may not understand what the “whole world” actually means, as I am pretty sure she has no idea what a globe looks like. Anyway, the infamous heiress also signed a deal with Cash Money Records earlier in the year, and plans to put out yet another shitty album.

The Daily Mail crunched some numbers for us, and according to them, Paris would have to be hitting some pretty lofty goals to be considered amongst the best DJs in the world, as far as sheer profit is concerned:  “She would still have to be doing a lot of gigging to break into the prestigious top five, which features [Calvin] Harris in first place with $46 million, Tiesto in second with $32m, David Guetta in third with $30m, Swedish Houparisse Mafia in fourth with $25m, and finally Canadian duo Deadmau5 at $21 million.”

Who The Fuck Voted For Her?

You know who’s higher than Paris with all of this ridiculousness?  THE PEOPLE WHO ARE FUCKING VOTING FOR HER!  She actually got some sort of DJ award that was “chosen by the people,” meaning there are people out there who actually either like: A. Her or B. Her music.  Bitches, are you high??

Furthermore, there are people out there who are paying Paris anywhere from $100,000 to $350,000 to make a DJ appearance at their club.  As if she needed more money.  I would like to say openly right now to these people, “Stop perpetuating mediocrity and ruining music for the rest of us!”

Ok, so people seem to be voting for her and clubs are obviously employing her, she must be doing something right, right?  Apparently, while she’s spinning her heart away up in the DJ booth, she takes multiple breaks to hang out with her friends, and even responds to text messages.  That is dedication if I’ve ever seen it.

What Do Real DJs Say?

Respectable DJs, like Deadmou5, are appalled by this.  And let me just say I never thought I would call a person who wears a giant, creepy mouse head respectable, but hey.  This is the culture we have created.  Anyway, Paris got in a social media feud with these Canadian mouse people recently, and it wasn’t pretty.  This is what was written about her on Deadmou5’s social media:  “So Paris makes a billion dollars playing a CD at a club. thats great.  how is this news again?  Personally, i would pay about as much to see her ‘perform’ as [race car driving] fans would pay to watch me struggle to get out of first gear and 20 feet off the starting grid  in an Indy500 race without ending up in a wreck.”  Good for you, mouse.  Good for you.

To everyone involved in this horrible dance, dance revolution, please stop.  You – Paris – your fans and your employers are hurting the hearts of all of us here at Stoned Girls, and we can’t help but say, “Bitch, Are You High?”