If you’re putting it in your mouth, it should be sexy.
Here are some Recommendations
“Eva Bongoria”– She’s been around for a while, but she’s still just as sexy as she was when you got her. She’s fun, yet classy, and she‘s the perfect piece for watching those basketball playoffs.
“Sharon Stoned”– She’s in the back of your closest, and sometimes you forget how much you used her back in the mid 90’s. Then, you stumble across her and she makes a cameo appearance every once in a while, and she’s just as good as you remember her.
“Angelina Bowlie”– You got her back when you were young and wild, but little did you know that she would be so much more than a party piece. She has now become a respected matriarch in your family, and even earned a place on the mantle for all of her hard work.
“Kelly Rip-a”– This is a pocket piece you take with you in the mornings on the way to work. She’s small, convenient, and gets you ready for your day.
“Miley Highrus”– Ok, so she seemed like a good idea at the time. You bought her on a whim because she was flashy, but the judgment in your friends’ eyes when they see her makes you regret your juvenile decision. She hits hard, though, so you keep her around.
“Mary-Louise Sparker”– Mary impresses your friends. She’s a hidden gem you found in your parents’ attic from the 60’s. Timeless and sophisticated, yet still playful after all these years.
“Kushniss Everdeen”– Kushniss is brand new and indestructible. She is tough and resilient. She gets you that kind of high where you’re a little paranoid that someone is outside trying to kill you, but you have ridiculous overconfidence in your fighting abilities.
“High-di”– This is a throwback to your grade school days. She’s the smallest of your bowls, and sometimes she gets lost, but always manages to find her way back home without much help.
The List Continunes
“Mary WollSTONEDcraft Shelley”– She gets you high-as-fuck. That kind of high where you aren’t really capable of words and lack even basic motor skills, like Frankenstein.
“Pippi Bongstocking”– She’s little, but she’s strong. She gets you that child-like wonder high where going to the grocery store for bananas is an adventure.
“Rosa Sparks”– She’s for the social activist in all of us. Don’t deny it, we all went through that phase in college where we are going to change the world, and Rosa was our preferred method of inciting social reform.
“Georgia O’Kief”– She’s the most colorful and unique piece you have. Artistic and feminine, Georgia gets you that kind of high where you finally start to understand abstract art.
“Tokahontas”– You take her camping with you. She may seem kind of boring, but in no time she will have you seeing all the colors of the wind.
“Florence Lightingale”– Florence lives in your nightstand and comes out when you are having trouble sleeping. You can always count on her to make you feel better and lull you off to a pleasant, dreamless sleep in no time.
“Gloria Highnem”– By far my favorite. She is feminine and proud. You only bring her out when you’re having a sophisticated girls night, where you will get high and discuss all of the gender inequalities the modern world still faces. Men are not allowed to smoke out of her.
And It Keeps Goin’
“Puffy the Vampire Slayer”– She’s tough, sexy, and much like Florence, she only comes out at night. You don’t see her as much as you used to, but every once in a while when you’re looking through your collection, you break her out and get the kind of high that makes you realize that the real Buffy was way ahead of the vampire-cult phenomenon times.
“Rip-ley”– An homage to Sigourney Weaver’s badass bitch character in “Aliens,” Rip is a classic favorite. You pull her out on those Saturday afternoons when SyFy has a marathon you just can’t pass up. Then you overestimate how badass you are when you go to do karate in the garage, and wind up with bruised knees.
“Holly Gohighly”– She’s that fancy piece you bring out when all your bougie friends come over. She hits lightly, so you get lady-like high to ensure you always maintain a level of sophistication.
Got a name for your bong that I should know about? Let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org.