What came in the Mail
During a brief meeting today when I got into the office, I was handed a small, discrete brown box. Although the package was non-descript, I got excited. Anything that has to be shipped to us here at Stoned Girls in a standard shipping box is always something good; if what’s inside is boring or “not offensive,” it would just be shipped in normal manufacturer packaging.
Inside that box, and I say this with the utmost sincerity, could have literally been anything. I quit paying attention for a minute to peek inside. I saw seven brightly colored, smoker friendly items that our friends at Cannabox had sent us. I shut the box and attempted to listen to the rest of the meeting, trying not to seem too eager to get back to my desk and play with my new toys.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I snuggled up in my cube and opened the box once more. I must have looked something like Gollum seeing his precious again, because I got a few sideways looks from my co-workers. Carefully, I took each item out of the box and placed them on my desk, and I have to say I had quite the array of product surrounding me.
Something for All My Weed Needs
The first thing that caught my eye was “The Original I-Tal Hempwick Lighter Sleeve.” I like anything with sleeves: Lighters, shirts, packages of Oreos… Immediately, I ran back into my boss’s office like a child on Christmas morning making sure I could light this thing on fire without setting off some kind of alarm. To be fair, I would have done it anyway, I just wanted to make sure I could do it at my desk, and not have to quietly stow away to the bathroom and hide in the stalls like a high school senior smoking cigarettes between classes.
There was a little yellow pamphlet that came with my new lighter sleeve (that may or may not be in my purse now) describing some other products that “The Original I-Tal Hempwick” produces, and some information about the company. Their products are made with hemp and bees wax, all-natural, organic, and environmentally friendly, and I dig that. I did, however, notice a few misspellings on the front page of the pamphlet that made the “professional and responsible writer” side of me cringe a little. Only momentarily, though, because I was about to light things on fire and the “irresponsible and pyrotechnic” side of me overpowers most things.
I pulled out my lighter and she slid on like a glove. It was like my lighter was wearing a tiny, brown sweater woven with the highest degree of love and affection by somebody’s grandmother. I undid the end of the of the hemp rope and lit that sucker up. It burned nicely, and not too fast. The smell and flames caught the attention of a few of the people working in the office around me. One of the other girls said it looked like something “You wouldn’t know you needed until you actually had it, and then you wouldn’t want to ever not use it.” I’m inclined to agree. While it is an unnecessary novelty, it’s still a novelty. People will see it, be curious about it, and constantly want to borrow it (which they cannot).
Although I literally could have lit things on fire at my desk for pretty much the rest of the day, and possibly into the evening, I was quickly reminded that there were six other items that needed to be tested and reviewed. Next up were three items by “Elements:” rolling papers, a rolling machine, and matches. Naturally, my first thought was,”Ooohhh, what if I light my lighter sleeve with the matches!?! Wouldn’t that be neat!” I didn’t (or maybe I did, does it really matter?). Included was this really fancy card from “Elements” that gives a brief description of each item that came in my box of ganja goodies, so I thought it would be a nice idea to read what they had to say about their own products. The people at “Elements” are pretty cocky about their product, and I like that.
They describe both the rolling papers and the rolling machine as “the best ever produced.” The rolling papers are made of pure pressed rice, and a thin strip of natural sugar gum that actually turns to caramel (!) as it burns. Well played, “Elements,” you’ve got my attention. The rolling machine actually came with instructions on how to use it, complete with pictures, which I thought was very considerate of them. The only thing that was a little off-putting to me was that they seemed to really bash competitors, especially the ones whose products are made in China. The Chinese were the first people smoking weed, yo. Give ‘em a break.
At this point now I’d spent a good hour and a half unwrapping my gifts, and if I didn’t use the restroom to relieve myself of the giant coffee I drank sitting in traffic on my way in, I was going to have an accident. For a moment I debated the consequences of this, because an overwhelming fear that somebody might steal one of my preciouses off my desk while I was in the bathroom was almost too much to bear. I decided to go though, because getting my nose rubbed in my own urine on my second day at work seemed a little inappropriate, even for here.
As I got up, I noticed I was the only one left in the office. Now, I was either missing an important meeting, or I had made everyone so uncomfortable with my excited exclamations of joy and wonder over the magical objects strewn about my desk that they just got up and walked out. Either way, I didn’t care.
After my hasty bathroom trip, I picked up a sticker that came at the very bottom of the box. It was the molecular structure of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), and it looked smart and science-y. I decided that I had to put it on my laptop, clearly so everyone would know which one is mine and not pick it up by mistake.
More In The Box
Next up is a personal air filter made by “smokebuddy jr.” It had, by far, the jazziest packaging out of everything that came in my wonder box of magical dreams. It is a discreet, pocket-sized filter that allows one to “keep your smoke to yourself.” Perfect for travel, home, or office (!), essentially you take the travel cap off, blow smoke into the little buddy, and clean air comes out the rear end. Gone are the days of stuffing a dryer sheet into an old toilet paper roll tube!
I had trouble getting it open, seeing how they won’t give me scissors here yet, and the plastic packaging was reminiscent of what most of the things you buy at Office Max are wrapped in. I did some light meditating, though, and was finally able to She-Hulk it open with my bare hands. I can only imagine I looked like a hungry grizzly bear ripping apart forest animals. It’s made of a harder plastic than I expected, (I don’t know why I expected it to be squishy, that doesn’t even make sense) but it’s very efficient.
Last, but not least, is the Aqua Pipe, made by the aptly named “Aqua Pipe.” Notable positives about the aqua pipe: The back of the packaging has a very descriptive picture of the insides of the Aqua Pipe, it gives me directions on how to clean it, and the background picture on the front is of an ocean wave, which soothes me. What I like most of all, though, is how simple it is. It’s tiny, compact, and remarkably convenient.
Overall, I love you, Cannabox. You have given me an assortment of unique and functional goodies. The thing that I like best about you, though, is that everything you gave me has a different function to satisfy all of my smoking needs; two items to smoke out of, two items to light my weed, one item to ensure I’m not bothering anyone else with my smoking, and one item to spice up my laptop. Unlike my menstrual cycle, I cannot wait to see what you have in store for me next month.
To See next month’s Cannabox Review, StonedGirls.com