You Can Thank Christopher Columbus For That Weed



In Fourteen-Hundred-Ninety-Two,
Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue,
On his boat he brought all he’d need:
Some horses, some cows, and a shit ton of weed.

Is that not how it goes? Hmm. Whoops. It’s true though, and I bet you didn’t even know it. Christopher Columbus was the first person to bring cannabis over to the new world in the form of hemp rope and seeds. He actually brought the seeds so if anything happened to his crew, they would be able to plant them for nourishment. While he isn’t the most handsome historical man (Jesse James, duh), he gave us weed AND got a whole day dedicated to him and for that, I would let him in and around my mouth.


Christopher Columbus will have none of your shit.

Even though today is Columbus Day, we are all in the office bringing you sexy hot ladies and hilarious articles. I can’t complain, though. Even as I type this there is a beautiful young woman taking her clothes off in front of me. In the spirit of being able to celebrate yet another holiday I can dedicate to weed, I have compiled a brief history surrounding Columbus Day as well as things you should do if you’re lucky enough to have the day off.

Why We Care

So there is still controversy regarding whether or not Columbus actually discovered America, considering there were a number of people we call “Native Americans” already here, but we celebrate him anyway because he was Italian and had those fancy ships, and if we didn’t a significant portion of second grade public education would have to be replaced. It didn’t actually become a federal holiday until 1937, although many states independently celebrated before then. I would also like to point out that he wasn’t afraid of sailing off the edge of the Earth back when everyone thought it was flat, and that takes a big pair of balls.

On the other hand, there is this whole genocide issue. A lot of people are protesting Columbus Day, as he did kind of barge in uninvited and pretty much slaughter everyone around him. Some cities are choosing to celebrate “Indigenous People’s Day” which doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, but seems a little more PC. Plus, we could call it “IPD” and then obviously sing “You down with IPD? Yea, you know me!”…which I am going to do all day around the office now anyway.

Bonus Day

Since Columbus Day is a federal holiday, if you are a government worker chances are you have the day off. I suggest smoking weed and having sex, because that’s what I would do. If you start to chafe, though, and are looking for some other activities, there’s always something fun to do on a Monday afternoon. Depending on what part of the country you are in, I would suggest spending some time outside. This could be your last nice weekend for a long time (remember the polar vortex, anyone?). Get real high, go for a walk, and relax under the sun.

If going outside isn’t an option for you, I suggest reading every single one of my blogs, and then perusing the internet for hilarious cat videos. Again, this is what I would do. Something else I would do is take the time to get real high and crafty and put together the most badass Halloween costume known to man. It is a mere 18 days away, and you don’t want to be that guy at the party with a pot on his head, trying to be as clever as possible because you ran out of time.

Hit up those big ass Halloween stores. If you’re anything like me that will be an adventure in and of itself. Then go to Michaels, stand in front of the fake flowers for 38 minutes trying to decide which ones go best with your skin tone, and leave with a bag of pipe cleaners you didn’t think you needed until you get them home and realize they actually do clean pipes!

Check your Local Listings

Also, it was pointed out to me today that I am lazy as shit, so for all you like-minded sloths out there here is a quick list of Columbus Day tv marathons:

Law & Order on TNT
Law & Order on SundaceTV
Law & Order: SVU on USA



So You Don’t Have A Nice Government Job?

That’s ok. Like I said, I don’t either. If you do have to work today, that’s still no excuse not to celebrate the introduction of marijuana into American life as we know it. A recent survey conducted by reported that 10% of Americans go into work blazed.  Therefore, you won’t be alone when you show up in true Columbus fashion. Go get Italian food for lunch. Revel in the fact that no one made you sit through a Columbus Day parade, and get fucked up when you get out of work.

I like Columbus Day because it is the start of the hap-happiest time of the year known as “The Holiday Season”.  This is the best time of year for stoners because there is delicious food everywhere.  You get out of work more between now and January 1st than you do the rest of the year combined. Take time to enjoy it, my friends, whether you work or not.

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