A recent survey concluded that roughly 30% of Americans go to work stoned. Based on what we know about sociology, we suspect that number is significantly higher, as there are a lot of people that would refuse to admit to weed at work.
That being said, there are definitely a lot of dos and don’ts of working with Weed.
Talk to your boss right away. In fact, avoid your boss all day if at all possible. This means no early morning meetings, no coffee runs, and no wandering into their office to talk about last night’s episode of The Walking Dead.
Bring beverages. I cannot stress enough how fast you will give yourself away if you are at your desk smacking your lips because your mouth is equivalent to the Sahara Desert.
Show up late. Clearly if you are running to your desk red eyed and disheveled, people will 1. Think you’re a mess and 2. Know you are stoned. Wake up early enough to make sure you’ve got plenty of time to smoke up. I know getting up early is hard, but waking and baking is pretty good motivation.
Bring snacks. You know you’re going to get hungry. Not only are you stoned, but it’s morning and we all know breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Stash some cliff bars in your desk to break out when the munchies hit. People will be so impressed you are that concerned about your daily diet to even consider weed had anything to do with it.
Smell like weed. For God’s sake, I shouldn’t have to say this, but I do and that’s what’s wrong with society these days. Don’t walk into work smelling like you hot-boxed your closet. Bring some cologne or Febreeze at the very least and keep it in your car. Spritz yourself down before you walk into the office. Also, don’t think that smelling like an incense factory covers it either. It gives you away more than the skunky goodness of some excellent bud.
Use Visine. In fact, buy several bottles. Keep one at home, one in your car, one in your desk, and one in your pocket. But don’t overdo the Visine. The last thing you need is someone stopping you because they think you’re emotional and getting stuck in a conversation about your fake cat dying that morning.
Do what every stoner does and get sucked into internet abyss. Remember, while it sucks hard gorilla dick, you are still at work, and work needs to get done or you won’t have any dollars to buy more weed. You will be tempted to continue to watch hilarious videos of men hitting their nuts on things, but I urge you not to. Unless you work with me, I’m pretty sure YouTube isn’t on the approved list of websites to visit during work hours anyway, so just stay away from it all together.
Smoke during lunch. I mean, if you’ve done everything correctly thus far, you’ve earned it. Plus, you can’t have people wondering why your behavior changes so drastically a few hours after you get to work.
By following these simple tips for working while high, not only will you not get fired from the job you probably hate anyway, but will also be so semi-productive no one will ever question your morning wake and bake activities. Take it from the bonafide expert of working high.
Think I left something out? E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and share your rules of smoking weed before work!