I was nonchalantly sitting at my desk the other morning researching the cure for cancer and making sure I didn’t have ebola, when my boss came to me with probably the best idea I’ve ever heard in my life. She sat me down on her very fancy faux leather futon, looked me right in the eye, and said, “Rebecca, I want you to get high and try some Cosmo sex tips.”
I replied, “Ok, I guess if I have to.” I mean, I’ve got to pay my bills, right?
Anyway, I promptly went on cosmopolitan.com and perused through their newest sex tips, eagerly awaiting 6 pm, which is when I got to go home and complete this assignment. Initially, I was a little disappointed as they had 95 sex tips, but all of them were written by men. They were also about how to please men more in bed. Well, that’s horseshit….I did them anyway because I got paid to. It was interesting to say the least.
A lot of the tips that I read were moves that I had already experimented with before, and I wanted to try some new things for the sake of “research.” I made it to an impressive 53 out of 95 before I found something I hadn’t already done. This particular Cosmo contributor said, “When I’m on top, my girl will draw her knees up, then rock them side-to-side. I get to feel this corkscrew like sensation.”
Sounds Fun, Right?
I know when I’m stoned as shit I have a false sense of confidence, but what made me think that I could possibly pull this off? Essentially I looked like one of those blow up clown bop bags that you would punch as a child and they would come right back up. Of course, when this imagery popped into my head I caught a case of the giggles that even my very patient partner joined in on.
Whip It ‘Round Yo Head
So it is clear to me at this point that multiple sessions are going to be needed to try out all of these tips. Again, if I have to. In the words of K. Michelle, I am going to fuck “Like I’m tryna pay bills, Georgia power, Cable bill, Baby sitter.” Except not a baby sitter. I don’t have kids. But I do have cats and they need to eat, so close.
I recovered from my childhood clown nightmare and read, “Climb on top but leave your bra on, then whip it off once sex is under way. Seeing your breasts spring free puts me over the top.” Ok, so this was a stretch, as I have done this many times during sex, but never with the forethought that I had now. After a Gatorade, some pumpkin seeds, and another bowl I put my bra back on and climbed back on top. Things were going well, to say the least. I reached my arm behind me and with surprising agility unhooked my bra in only two tries. Like the animal I am, I reached over and tried to pull myself free of my womanly bindings.
Embarrassingly my bra got stuck on my left arm, and when I finally wrangled myself free I tried regain at least a fraction of my former raw sexuality by whipping it at the wall, only to knock down a lamp in the process.
Third Times A Charm
My very patient partner who is now only doing this because I am smoking him up is debating kicking me and my free weed to the curb. We smoke some more and I gently massage his ego, seeing how that seems to be the only thing I’m good at doing right now. For this next tip, it is important to note that this guy is an athletic mother fucker. He’s the kind of guy who is constantly trying to be more fit even when it’s not physically possible, and I let him because if he were to realize how hot he was he would definitely upgrade. Anyway, I found the perfect tip for us to try: “The best oral I ever got was hanging from a chin up bar in my home gym. The strain in my arms mixed with the bliss I felt below the waist created unbelievable pleasure.”
We ventured to his closet door frame where he did a few un-obligatory pull ups (maybe to blow off some anger steam, maybe not) and then we got down to business. All in all this went well. Until he fell. I’m not going to lie, I was just relieved this wasn’t my fault this time. We laid in a crumpled mass on the floor together laughing and smoking a little bit more. Eventually we fell asleep right there.
Although my sex tips attempts were a monumental failure, I have to say it wasn’t the worst way to earn a car payment. I now realize that there are reasons why I’ve never tried any of these things before, but that won’t stop any future tips Cosmo has to offer.